It was the year 1986. NASA's Challenger blew up during take off and the Chernobyl meltdown accident happened that year. I was 7 years old, and I was in my first year of primary school at Sekolah Kebangsaan Bukit Hampar which was sharing with Sek Dato' Wan Idris' building at that time.
It must have been 3-4 weeks into school. It was just after school and I was waiting for the bus to pick me up. I wanted to get across the street to the bus pick-up area, so I kinda jogged my way through since I was pretty excited about coming home. Precisely the same time I stepped onto the road, a cream-colored car was passing in front of me. The driver stamped on his brake and I hit the side of the car just by the fender of the left front tyre.
At that moment, if only I had been about half a second earlier or the car had arrived just a bit later, I would've been hit and most likely that I would've not survived.
That accident never really left me. I always have these thoughts; What if I've died then? What if I never existed beyond that? Would life be different without me in it? Would life be better for other people without me? Or is it just be the same because my existense is insignificant?
I'm trying to make sense of my existense. Talking to God is not easy. It's not like He's gonna answer me directly when I ask Him questions, is He?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
Smoking and depression
People who knew me would say that I'm like a chimney. There would always be smoke coming out of my mouth. Nowadays, my smoking habit has been just as it was when I started smoking 11 years ago. About 1 1/2 pack a day? So roughly about 4 cartons of cigarette? Yeah, you do the maths, I just can't be bothered.
And my habit gets worse when I sit down with friends, talking about serious stuffs. It's one cigarette after another. Sitting in front of the computer's monitor for hours doesn't help either.
As I'm getting older, the more I keep damaging myself. People say that when you hit rock bottom, the only way left is going up again. Well, life is not all sugar and cream, honey. There's no other way to sugarcoat it.
When I was a kid, my mum would always told me to work and study harder. She would always said that good education will get me to the top and by then, I could buy all those stuffs that I'd wanted as a kid back then. It's like that quotation from the ASN advertisement back in the 80's when the father would pat his kid in the back and said "Nak, belajarlah rajin-rajin. Ayah akan melabur dan terus melabur untuk masa depan kita".....(que the music, panning to the ASN logo).
I hated that advert. What a load of Haufen Scheiße (pronounced haufen shaize, if you don't know your deutsch)(cakap Jerman daaa. Ni jerman betul tau, bukan cakap jawa).
But I guess the hardest thing for me to do is trying to get along with my life with a smile on my face. It's hard to go on when you don't have a heart to do so. That's why sometimes I get it when people commit suicides. The harder I think about it, the much more sense it becomes. So smoke away, Yin. Don't think too much.
There's a quotation from a movie I watched a few months ago. The character, an old man said in that movie "I am tired of being thankful for scraps". It's just a simple sentence yet it is really deep. For us muslims, it's about being thankful to God or syukur. That sentence gives a glimpse of how I feel and my constant argument in my soul about my syukur to God. It's not that simple, is it? It just can't be simple, can it?
And my habit gets worse when I sit down with friends, talking about serious stuffs. It's one cigarette after another. Sitting in front of the computer's monitor for hours doesn't help either.
As I'm getting older, the more I keep damaging myself. People say that when you hit rock bottom, the only way left is going up again. Well, life is not all sugar and cream, honey. There's no other way to sugarcoat it.
When I was a kid, my mum would always told me to work and study harder. She would always said that good education will get me to the top and by then, I could buy all those stuffs that I'd wanted as a kid back then. It's like that quotation from the ASN advertisement back in the 80's when the father would pat his kid in the back and said "Nak, belajarlah rajin-rajin. Ayah akan melabur dan terus melabur untuk masa depan kita".....(que the music, panning to the ASN logo).
I hated that advert. What a load of Haufen Scheiße (pronounced haufen shaize, if you don't know your deutsch)(cakap Jerman daaa. Ni jerman betul tau, bukan cakap jawa).
But I guess the hardest thing for me to do is trying to get along with my life with a smile on my face. It's hard to go on when you don't have a heart to do so. That's why sometimes I get it when people commit suicides. The harder I think about it, the much more sense it becomes. So smoke away, Yin. Don't think too much.
There's a quotation from a movie I watched a few months ago. The character, an old man said in that movie "I am tired of being thankful for scraps". It's just a simple sentence yet it is really deep. For us muslims, it's about being thankful to God or syukur. That sentence gives a glimpse of how I feel and my constant argument in my soul about my syukur to God. It's not that simple, is it? It just can't be simple, can it?
Saturday, April 03, 2010
Stupid is as stupid does
Being an adult sucks. Being a kid also sucks. I don't think I enjoyed my childhood that much. I didn't really enjoy that much of my teenage life either. So, yeah, life kinda sucks.
But amidst that all, I'm just trying to maintain my sanity, my whole being as person, my function in my family life and in my social life. I don't have anything special, but I do cherish all my collective thoughts that define me as me. The only me with my unique-ness and all. I would like to think that I am unique in my own way, and at least that's an encouraging thought.
I'm writing this out just in the spur of the moment. Not really trying to say anything clever or anything. With a cigarette in my hand and the monitor in front of me, this is my life as I know it. I'd probably will never have a bright future, or having wealth, or fame or anything that I would always like to fantasize of having.
Being content with your life. That's hard, you know.
Internet is a vast place with lots of information and knowledge. It's also a place where you can try to define yourself to others. But be careful of what you're trying to understand and telling others at the same time. You got to remember that not all people in this world speaks english. So, some can be misleading especially if involving translating literatures from another foreign languages. This is where it is important that you have good grasps on your understandings and languages.
An old fart dissed at me for trying to advice him to be careful when putting quotes from an arabic literature site into his website. I was trying to say that the translation is being made by some poor schmuck that translated quite poorly from arabic to english. It's like reading in arabic, and directly translating it to english. So it sounds weird and a little bit out of context. But no, that old fart said that I was trying to attack him or something. Doesn't he know that I was trying to save him from being embarassed? People from all over the world can read his website, and you know what, first impressions are; his english is poor, he doesn't have his own opinion that he has to take some other people's quotes and worse that it's all poorly translated. I mean, if you want to impress people by being clever, at least fake it really well even if you're not that clever.
I don't really like writing about people's weakness. In my whole life there were 3-4 people who really annoyed me to no ends. And this old turd is one of them. Because he was not sincere in his friendship with me, he used me to all his benefits and spit me out like a used bubblegum. I will never forgive and forget that. Because not once in my life had I ever backstabbed anybody or ditched a fellow friend or family.
That's why I think, I'm a little bit anti-social at times. Because it will just give me head-aches and heart-aches.
We live in a corrupted world. People are mostly dumb, dishonest, greedy, selfish and you know it. Want to be a good, unselfish person? You'll never be rich, never succeed as much as you wanted and you will always be conned by others. I know this, and I've seen this. And sadly, this is the kind of world we live in.
If only I'm the godfather of a powerful mafia group. Heck, I can just tell anybody to whack that fool. Ahahahaha..
But amidst that all, I'm just trying to maintain my sanity, my whole being as person, my function in my family life and in my social life. I don't have anything special, but I do cherish all my collective thoughts that define me as me. The only me with my unique-ness and all. I would like to think that I am unique in my own way, and at least that's an encouraging thought.
I'm writing this out just in the spur of the moment. Not really trying to say anything clever or anything. With a cigarette in my hand and the monitor in front of me, this is my life as I know it. I'd probably will never have a bright future, or having wealth, or fame or anything that I would always like to fantasize of having.
Being content with your life. That's hard, you know.
Internet is a vast place with lots of information and knowledge. It's also a place where you can try to define yourself to others. But be careful of what you're trying to understand and telling others at the same time. You got to remember that not all people in this world speaks english. So, some can be misleading especially if involving translating literatures from another foreign languages. This is where it is important that you have good grasps on your understandings and languages.
An old fart dissed at me for trying to advice him to be careful when putting quotes from an arabic literature site into his website. I was trying to say that the translation is being made by some poor schmuck that translated quite poorly from arabic to english. It's like reading in arabic, and directly translating it to english. So it sounds weird and a little bit out of context. But no, that old fart said that I was trying to attack him or something. Doesn't he know that I was trying to save him from being embarassed? People from all over the world can read his website, and you know what, first impressions are; his english is poor, he doesn't have his own opinion that he has to take some other people's quotes and worse that it's all poorly translated. I mean, if you want to impress people by being clever, at least fake it really well even if you're not that clever.
I don't really like writing about people's weakness. In my whole life there were 3-4 people who really annoyed me to no ends. And this old turd is one of them. Because he was not sincere in his friendship with me, he used me to all his benefits and spit me out like a used bubblegum. I will never forgive and forget that. Because not once in my life had I ever backstabbed anybody or ditched a fellow friend or family.
That's why I think, I'm a little bit anti-social at times. Because it will just give me head-aches and heart-aches.
We live in a corrupted world. People are mostly dumb, dishonest, greedy, selfish and you know it. Want to be a good, unselfish person? You'll never be rich, never succeed as much as you wanted and you will always be conned by others. I know this, and I've seen this. And sadly, this is the kind of world we live in.
If only I'm the godfather of a powerful mafia group. Heck, I can just tell anybody to whack that fool. Ahahahaha..
Monday, January 04, 2010
Simian line
I am odd at birth. Different from the rest of my family members, even my relatives. The most obvious is that I have curly hair. And I mean, really curly, like maggie-mee curly. When I had long hair, I either have to tie them down for most of the times or I have to use hair straighteners quite frequently. Otherwise my hair will look like David Arumugam from The Alleycats. Terima kasseehhh!
One day I showed my left palm to a doctor and he noticed that I have a straight line across my hand instead what you normally have. You know, when I was a kid, my teacher will told us kids in the class that the markings on both palms resemble the arabic numerical digits : IV & IΛ which equals to the 99 names of Allah. I don't have that. Instead I have a straight line across my left palm in which, combining with some obscure lines making it seems like the symbol Λ or 8. So my palms read out 8 + 18 = 26. And my mates would then looked at me and said "Dude!".
(This is not my hand, I can't be bothered to scan my own palm)
He jokingly told me that mostly people with down-syndrome has these kind or markings. It's a distinct feature, apparently. So what? I'm supposed to be a retard now? Maybe I was supposed to be like that Dustin Hoffman guy in the film Rain Man. Superb at calculations but dumb at everything.
Apparently I have what they called as Simian Line or Simian Crease. Simian because primates like chimpanzees or monkeys has those distinct lines too. These are some excerptions from Google about people with Simian Line :
As the simian line is a combination of the head and heart lines, it is the frequent assumption of chierologists, dermatoglyphics experts, and palmists that the simian line performs the functions associated with both lines. That is, the bearer finds it difficult to separate emotions and what is desired (the heart line) from intellect and what is thought (the head line). They believe the simian line gives the ability to focus on one thing, absolutely, to the exclusion of all else. It is believed that these people generally achieve and accomplish far more than most, developing techniques and inventions that will last for generations. They also supposedly experience far more misfortune than most, usually due to the same intensity that drives them. The ambition for success in business endeavors will be strong, as will be the tendency to shut out all else in pursuit of these ambitions. People with simian lines are seen as being complex, forceful, goal-oriented, and egocentric.
Okay, some are true, but not fully. Personally, I think it's a bunch of horse-shit. I believe in Qada' & Qadar. Although, sometimes on a personal level, I have a few questions I really want to ask God about a few things happening that I really can't add-up. I can make up my own answers though, but in my twisted mind, I can really give really interesting and mind-bending answers that would really shaken my aqidah instead. And I really don't want to do that.
A bald girl once told me that I have lots of potentials. Man, I really hated that bald girl. Actually she is not that bald but her forehead, man, a helicopter can land on that thing. She's kinda cute though, but she irritates the crap out of me. She's supposed to be this intellectual person but my God she is so stupid when it involves other human beings.
Potentials. What the crap is that supposed to mean?
One day I showed my left palm to a doctor and he noticed that I have a straight line across my hand instead what you normally have. You know, when I was a kid, my teacher will told us kids in the class that the markings on both palms resemble the arabic numerical digits : IV & IΛ which equals to the 99 names of Allah. I don't have that. Instead I have a straight line across my left palm in which, combining with some obscure lines making it seems like the symbol Λ or 8. So my palms read out 8 + 18 = 26. And my mates would then looked at me and said "Dude!".
(This is not my hand, I can't be bothered to scan my own palm)He jokingly told me that mostly people with down-syndrome has these kind or markings. It's a distinct feature, apparently. So what? I'm supposed to be a retard now? Maybe I was supposed to be like that Dustin Hoffman guy in the film Rain Man. Superb at calculations but dumb at everything.
Apparently I have what they called as Simian Line or Simian Crease. Simian because primates like chimpanzees or monkeys has those distinct lines too. These are some excerptions from Google about people with Simian Line :
As the simian line is a combination of the head and heart lines, it is the frequent assumption of chierologists, dermatoglyphics experts, and palmists that the simian line performs the functions associated with both lines. That is, the bearer finds it difficult to separate emotions and what is desired (the heart line) from intellect and what is thought (the head line). They believe the simian line gives the ability to focus on one thing, absolutely, to the exclusion of all else. It is believed that these people generally achieve and accomplish far more than most, developing techniques and inventions that will last for generations. They also supposedly experience far more misfortune than most, usually due to the same intensity that drives them. The ambition for success in business endeavors will be strong, as will be the tendency to shut out all else in pursuit of these ambitions. People with simian lines are seen as being complex, forceful, goal-oriented, and egocentric.
Okay, some are true, but not fully. Personally, I think it's a bunch of horse-shit. I believe in Qada' & Qadar. Although, sometimes on a personal level, I have a few questions I really want to ask God about a few things happening that I really can't add-up. I can make up my own answers though, but in my twisted mind, I can really give really interesting and mind-bending answers that would really shaken my aqidah instead. And I really don't want to do that.
A bald girl once told me that I have lots of potentials. Man, I really hated that bald girl. Actually she is not that bald but her forehead, man, a helicopter can land on that thing. She's kinda cute though, but she irritates the crap out of me. She's supposed to be this intellectual person but my God she is so stupid when it involves other human beings.
Potentials. What the crap is that supposed to mean?
Friday, November 20, 2009
Photography
I'm not an artist. Well, I don't think that I have the talent to be one. But I do like to express myself, my heart-being to the world. I just don't really know what's the best medium to do so. I attemped writing first. Not so good, I would say since my language is so messed up between Malay and English. My english is not half-bad but I learn my english from tv shows and movies that I watched. So my vocabulary is quite limited to only what I've heard. ( I don't read, I'm much too lazy for that).
I learned guitar-playing since I was 16. On and off playing for a couple of years and I can only produce my own tunes for the last 2 years or so. Out of 12-14 tunes that I made, only 2 or 3 that I can say, relate closely to my heart.
And now, photography. I only learned photography since last year, more or less. On and off learning from borrowed cameras. I know how to use photoshop, doing basic editing and retouching since my university years but more to just for the sake of knowing how to use the basic stuffs inside the software. My only camera before this was a compact film, RM100 cheap Kodak kamera. You know, the one where you have to use thumb to turn the film inside. Very noisy and a bit embarassing at times since all of my mates use digital and I'm still on film.
My sisters supported me when I asked them to borrow some money so that I could buy a relatively expensive DSLR camera. I borrowed RM5k each plus my own money and I don't know when will I be able to repay them back. Some guys are quite embittered and on some level, despised my coming as a photographer. I mean, I haven't got a photography job yet and people are saying bad stuffs about me already.
I don't feel bad about it though. I'm not that bothered about it at all. I was bred from a boarding school system, so loyalty to your friends comes first. Backstabbers are usually will be dealt harshly. Your family will always be your family but your friends are family too. So, in my book, I don't betray my friends unless they betray me first. Now that, really bothers me. Just don't jerk me off, that's all I'm asking.
I'm still searching that part in photography on how to express myself. I like it when there's emotion in that picture, there's a story to be told in it. That's difficult. Technique-wise, I'm ok I guess. My learning curve is going just about in my expectation. My limiting factor is that I'm a bit shy when taking pictures. Not much experience when interacting with people whilst taking my pictures. And I'm not that much comfortable taking snapshots of outsiders; let's say, a girl having a drink on the side walk and I wanted to take her picture drinking that beverage. I'm a bit shy to do that. But I really wanted to take more of those kind of pictures.
"I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious"
I like this quote. It describes me as a whole in just two sentences.
yin
I learned guitar-playing since I was 16. On and off playing for a couple of years and I can only produce my own tunes for the last 2 years or so. Out of 12-14 tunes that I made, only 2 or 3 that I can say, relate closely to my heart.
And now, photography. I only learned photography since last year, more or less. On and off learning from borrowed cameras. I know how to use photoshop, doing basic editing and retouching since my university years but more to just for the sake of knowing how to use the basic stuffs inside the software. My only camera before this was a compact film, RM100 cheap Kodak kamera. You know, the one where you have to use thumb to turn the film inside. Very noisy and a bit embarassing at times since all of my mates use digital and I'm still on film.
My sisters supported me when I asked them to borrow some money so that I could buy a relatively expensive DSLR camera. I borrowed RM5k each plus my own money and I don't know when will I be able to repay them back. Some guys are quite embittered and on some level, despised my coming as a photographer. I mean, I haven't got a photography job yet and people are saying bad stuffs about me already.
I don't feel bad about it though. I'm not that bothered about it at all. I was bred from a boarding school system, so loyalty to your friends comes first. Backstabbers are usually will be dealt harshly. Your family will always be your family but your friends are family too. So, in my book, I don't betray my friends unless they betray me first. Now that, really bothers me. Just don't jerk me off, that's all I'm asking.
I'm still searching that part in photography on how to express myself. I like it when there's emotion in that picture, there's a story to be told in it. That's difficult. Technique-wise, I'm ok I guess. My learning curve is going just about in my expectation. My limiting factor is that I'm a bit shy when taking pictures. Not much experience when interacting with people whilst taking my pictures. And I'm not that much comfortable taking snapshots of outsiders; let's say, a girl having a drink on the side walk and I wanted to take her picture drinking that beverage. I'm a bit shy to do that. But I really wanted to take more of those kind of pictures.
"I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious"
I like this quote. It describes me as a whole in just two sentences.
yin
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Blast from the past : part deux
Bila hari-hari berlalu lemah,
Hati kian dicengkam perasaan sedih,
Luka lama takkan sembuh,
Dihiasi luka-luka segar,
Ah, itulah kehidupan!
Kata mereka gembira.
Mulut ingin berbicara,
Hati ingin diluah,
Atur cara ingin menunjuk,
Atau hanya sekadar mampu menunduk?
Ah, itulah kehidupan!
Gah riak mereka.
Marah tak bererti tak merindu,
Sepi tak bererti diri membenci,
Sikap manusia, siapakan mengerti?
Apakah salah sekadar ingin mencuba?
Berani dicuba, beranilah ditanggung,
Ah, itulah kehidupanmu!
Ejek sorak mereka.
Jauhnya di mata,
Dekatnya sekadar di hati sendiri....
-¥in-
9.17 p.m.
3/8/00
I was more poetic in those days than right now, I guess. Don't think that I still have the same inspiration and creativity to do so. Everything changes after 9 years. In those days, what I wrote was what I had to say from my heart. I guess nobody really understood the messages I tried to tell them. And the person I wanted to tell this to never really cared. It sucked. And I guess I lost my heart during all those years. My wife never understood what I meant when I told her that I don't have a heart anymore. Maybe no one ever will.
Man, I missed those times smoking joints and doze off to a really deep sleep. A really nice, comfortable, off-mind sleep without a care for the world...
Hati kian dicengkam perasaan sedih,
Luka lama takkan sembuh,
Dihiasi luka-luka segar,
Ah, itulah kehidupan!
Kata mereka gembira.
Mulut ingin berbicara,
Hati ingin diluah,
Atur cara ingin menunjuk,
Atau hanya sekadar mampu menunduk?
Ah, itulah kehidupan!
Gah riak mereka.
Marah tak bererti tak merindu,
Sepi tak bererti diri membenci,
Sikap manusia, siapakan mengerti?
Apakah salah sekadar ingin mencuba?
Berani dicuba, beranilah ditanggung,
Ah, itulah kehidupanmu!
Ejek sorak mereka.
Jauhnya di mata,
Dekatnya sekadar di hati sendiri....
-¥in-
9.17 p.m.
3/8/00
I was more poetic in those days than right now, I guess. Don't think that I still have the same inspiration and creativity to do so. Everything changes after 9 years. In those days, what I wrote was what I had to say from my heart. I guess nobody really understood the messages I tried to tell them. And the person I wanted to tell this to never really cared. It sucked. And I guess I lost my heart during all those years. My wife never understood what I meant when I told her that I don't have a heart anymore. Maybe no one ever will.
Man, I missed those times smoking joints and doze off to a really deep sleep. A really nice, comfortable, off-mind sleep without a care for the world...
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Blast from the past
Doa Kudus Untuk Tuhan
Setiap hari,
Aku merenung kembali,
Muhasabah diri,
Apakah diri ini,
Diri yang lebih baik,
Daripada diriku pada hari semalam?
Atau mungkin,
Diri ini menjadi lebih teruk,
Lebih hina,
Lebih jijik,
Daripada hari semalam?
Hari demi hari,
Aku merasakan diri ini,
Semakin jauh,
Semakin sesat,
Dari jalan yang benar,
Dari jalan yang Kau redhai.
TUHAN,
Bantulah aku,
Jangan Kau sisihkan diri ini.
-¥in-
1995
I wrote this in 1995, if not mistaken. Probably if I'm wrong, I'm not that far off. A year too early or a year too late, can't really remember. I used to have a book that I always carry with me back then. Whenever I had something meaningful that I thought would be truthful and can give wisdom to others, I would wrote it down then. I kept a book for every year and by the end of the year, I would give it to a friend who I took as if he's my own flesh & blood brother.
I know some people don't care about this kind of crap. But I treasure these kind of craps. It's my way of teaching myself to be more mature and thoughtful. Sometimes I wished that I could have a conversation with a person who has these kind of wisdom thoughts that actually mattered. A person who talks with facts, clear and concise. Not some half-assed baffoon who gave wisdom words that is empty and then being such an ass-kissing, egoistitical old fart.
I have 2 sons and a daughter by now. All very young, baby-like and naive. I don't know if I could ever be a good father because I never have a good father-figure as my guide. I wanted to teach them and tell them all the wisdoms that I have accumulated all these years but I don't know how.
I'm sad sometimes to see some friends who are quite old enough that by that age, they should've had enough wisdoms and experience to act their age and give proper advices and guidance to their kids or to their fellow younger friends. But they can't because they are such thick headed people that they can't even differentiate between a good friend and just a friend. They can't accept advices, critism but can only listen to praises and ass-kissing comments. Pathetic. It makes me sad and also embarressed at times because I was in some part associated with these kind of people.
A kid told me when I asked him, what he wanted to be when he grows up. He answered, "I wanted to be a good person". No more, no less. And I wished that kid to have a bright future and a good life because as an older person and also as a father, that is all you can wish for...
I am old, aren't I? Crud...
-yin-
Setiap hari,
Aku merenung kembali,
Muhasabah diri,
Apakah diri ini,
Diri yang lebih baik,
Daripada diriku pada hari semalam?
Atau mungkin,
Diri ini menjadi lebih teruk,
Lebih hina,
Lebih jijik,
Daripada hari semalam?
Hari demi hari,
Aku merasakan diri ini,
Semakin jauh,
Semakin sesat,
Dari jalan yang benar,
Dari jalan yang Kau redhai.
TUHAN,
Bantulah aku,
Jangan Kau sisihkan diri ini.
-¥in-
1995
I wrote this in 1995, if not mistaken. Probably if I'm wrong, I'm not that far off. A year too early or a year too late, can't really remember. I used to have a book that I always carry with me back then. Whenever I had something meaningful that I thought would be truthful and can give wisdom to others, I would wrote it down then. I kept a book for every year and by the end of the year, I would give it to a friend who I took as if he's my own flesh & blood brother.
I know some people don't care about this kind of crap. But I treasure these kind of craps. It's my way of teaching myself to be more mature and thoughtful. Sometimes I wished that I could have a conversation with a person who has these kind of wisdom thoughts that actually mattered. A person who talks with facts, clear and concise. Not some half-assed baffoon who gave wisdom words that is empty and then being such an ass-kissing, egoistitical old fart.
I have 2 sons and a daughter by now. All very young, baby-like and naive. I don't know if I could ever be a good father because I never have a good father-figure as my guide. I wanted to teach them and tell them all the wisdoms that I have accumulated all these years but I don't know how.
I'm sad sometimes to see some friends who are quite old enough that by that age, they should've had enough wisdoms and experience to act their age and give proper advices and guidance to their kids or to their fellow younger friends. But they can't because they are such thick headed people that they can't even differentiate between a good friend and just a friend. They can't accept advices, critism but can only listen to praises and ass-kissing comments. Pathetic. It makes me sad and also embarressed at times because I was in some part associated with these kind of people.
A kid told me when I asked him, what he wanted to be when he grows up. He answered, "I wanted to be a good person". No more, no less. And I wished that kid to have a bright future and a good life because as an older person and also as a father, that is all you can wish for...
I am old, aren't I? Crud...
-yin-
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Having my own opinion
Blogging is a great thing. I mean, pardon my arrogance a bit here, but I've started my own website ala blog during my A-Levels years. When was that? 98-99? Something like that. I can't even remember the website's address anymore because it was deleted by the server since I've stopped updating it for a year or so. Which is stupid because a lot of stufs I wrote then, I couldn't write them anymore these days. And stuffs that I wrote which I saved into my pc were lost when my pc brokedown in 2001, I think.
But this is a good place to practice your writing skills. Maybe expand your mind into thinking deeper thoughts. I stopped doing that because it depressed me. I thought I was being clever, being funny and all. Sure, you feel good about yourself, but then I started feeling bad about it. Am I doing this just to impress people, or what? And then I started having negative thoughts about everything that had happened in my life. The more I thought about everything, the more pissed I've becomed.
My life has been odd. Odd from the day I was born. I'm different from everyone, from own family. Being clever has not worked out for me too much. Having a great IQ doesn't bring me happiness. I tried stupifying myself, you know. Since from experience, as your cleverness goes up the graph, your happiness will go down to the drain.
And you know what, the most irritating thing to me is when there are people who try to be clever, try to look clever but saying craps taken from other people's quote (pretending it's your own quote). As if they are the all-knowing person in this world and then force other people to fathom their way of thinking. What a load of bullshit crap. I hate that type the most. Don't you have your own opinion? Are you stupid or something? And the worst part is that they are so full of themselves, they can't even take a single advice when the truth hurts them. Even if you wanted to look cool, act like one. Don't act badly. Your acting is so bad, people are just laughing at you in your back. What the fuck is that, huh? What the fuck?
Some people are briliant. Have a really deepful thinking into their lives in their own perspective. I can dig that. Experience does really teach you to live a more meaningful life. There's nothing wrong to have a thought of your own. Just be original, and don't expect or force people to have the same crap as yours. Or vice versa. That is so not cool.
I hate writing these days. I really do. I'm just pissed off, that's what.
Cool off...have a cigarette. Make yourself more stupid. At least it makes you calmer and happier whilst slowly killing yourself in the process.
But this is a good place to practice your writing skills. Maybe expand your mind into thinking deeper thoughts. I stopped doing that because it depressed me. I thought I was being clever, being funny and all. Sure, you feel good about yourself, but then I started feeling bad about it. Am I doing this just to impress people, or what? And then I started having negative thoughts about everything that had happened in my life. The more I thought about everything, the more pissed I've becomed.
My life has been odd. Odd from the day I was born. I'm different from everyone, from own family. Being clever has not worked out for me too much. Having a great IQ doesn't bring me happiness. I tried stupifying myself, you know. Since from experience, as your cleverness goes up the graph, your happiness will go down to the drain.
And you know what, the most irritating thing to me is when there are people who try to be clever, try to look clever but saying craps taken from other people's quote (pretending it's your own quote). As if they are the all-knowing person in this world and then force other people to fathom their way of thinking. What a load of bullshit crap. I hate that type the most. Don't you have your own opinion? Are you stupid or something? And the worst part is that they are so full of themselves, they can't even take a single advice when the truth hurts them. Even if you wanted to look cool, act like one. Don't act badly. Your acting is so bad, people are just laughing at you in your back. What the fuck is that, huh? What the fuck?
Some people are briliant. Have a really deepful thinking into their lives in their own perspective. I can dig that. Experience does really teach you to live a more meaningful life. There's nothing wrong to have a thought of your own. Just be original, and don't expect or force people to have the same crap as yours. Or vice versa. That is so not cool.
I hate writing these days. I really do. I'm just pissed off, that's what.
Cool off...have a cigarette. Make yourself more stupid. At least it makes you calmer and happier whilst slowly killing yourself in the process.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Kosong
When I hear this song, this is exactly how I feel since 7 years ago...and to that damn person, I wish you bad bye and a terrible life...ahahahahaha ( it feels sooo good to say bad things finally )
Dewa 19 - Kosong
Kamu seperti hantu
harus menghantuiku
kemana pun tubuhku pergi
kau terus membayangi aku....
Salahku biarkan kamu
bermain dengan hatiku
aku tak bisa memusnahkan
kau dari fikiranku.. ini..
Didalam keramaian aku masih merasa sepi
sendiri memikirkan kamu
kau genggam hatiku
dan kau tuliskan namamu
kau tulis namamu...
Tubuhku ada di sini
tetapi tidak jiwaku
kosong yang hanya kurasakan
kau telah tinggal di hatiku....
*Why does it hurt so bad lately?
Yin
Dewa 19 - Kosong
Kamu seperti hantu
harus menghantuiku
kemana pun tubuhku pergi
kau terus membayangi aku....
Salahku biarkan kamu
bermain dengan hatiku
aku tak bisa memusnahkan
kau dari fikiranku.. ini..
Didalam keramaian aku masih merasa sepi
sendiri memikirkan kamu
kau genggam hatiku
dan kau tuliskan namamu
kau tulis namamu...
Tubuhku ada di sini
tetapi tidak jiwaku
kosong yang hanya kurasakan
kau telah tinggal di hatiku....
*Why does it hurt so bad lately?
Yin
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Time stops
This is one of my 'jiwang' song, if you wanna put it that way...my friends used to call it a 'stalker' song. Freaks, heh.
Walking After You - The Foo Fighters
Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds,
dreaming aloud,
Things just won't do without you, matter of fact
I'm on your back
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
If you'd accept surrender, I'll give up some more,
Weren't you adored?
I cannot be without you, matter of fact,
I'm on your back
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
Another heart is cracked in two
I'm on your back
I cannot be without you, matter of fact
I'm on your back...
It's a very nostalgic and sad song for me though...because this was the moment when time seemed to have stopped for me until this very day...
Yin
Walking After You - The Foo Fighters
Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds,
dreaming aloud,
Things just won't do without you, matter of fact
I'm on your back
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
If you'd accept surrender, I'll give up some more,
Weren't you adored?
I cannot be without you, matter of fact,
I'm on your back
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
Another heart is cracked in two
I'm on your back
I cannot be without you, matter of fact
I'm on your back...
It's a very nostalgic and sad song for me though...because this was the moment when time seemed to have stopped for me until this very day...
Yin
Friday, March 17, 2006
Feelin' Blue
Blue
You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue — and patently you!
Your true color is Blue!
What's Your True Color?
Brought to you by Tickle
You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue — and patently you!
Your true color is Blue!
What's Your True Color?
Brought to you by Tickle
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Tribute To My Mum
As I'm writing this, my mum is resting well in PPUM, just after her kidney got removed in an operation last Monday. Kinda bums me out, in a way. I love my mum...well, she's the only mother I ever have.But you know what, my relationship with my mum is not what I can call as normal. I'm more afraid of her than anyone else in this world, I crap you not. And she annoyed me all the time back then since my days as a growing child. But I can't really blame her for that. My dad was having problems with his business as I was growing up...thus, I always get a tick in the head for any little wrong things I could've done, or what wrong things my dad did. You see, I'm the only male available at home when my father was not around.....can you imagine that? Don't be like this, don't do like that, don't follow like what my father did etc etc....
Man, I hated her when I was a kid. I can't lie about that. And partly because I thought she really hated me as a son. What the hell did I do wrong anyway?
One thing I inherited from my dad is having a cool head and never give out verdicts without giving a really deep thought about anything. But sometimes I think I have that short fuse mentality from my mum as well...I don't know...depends what subject that is, of course.
But I have to give it to her a big salute. She practically raised us kids and at the same time earned majority of the money flowing into our house. Not that I'm trying to belittle my father but we agreed on both terms that his luck wasn't the best you can imagine.
And now, here I am, nearly 27 years old...without a proper certificate bearing my name and I'm trying hard just to survive. Yet, since my father died 3 years ago, I've been the pillar of my family, whilst trying hard to ease the pain of my mum facing cancer.
On one hand, I've disappointed her by not being a really successful person like she would've hoped but on another hand, at least my failures had enabled me to be close to her and take care of her whenever she needed me. It broke my heart everytime when I don't even have the money to pay for our electric bills, yet alone to bring food into the house and my mum would quietly give me the money to buy groceries from the market. Yet, I do whatever I can do as a son to give her peace and ease in her dying days. Hard to swallow that fact, I'm telling ya' but that's what I'm facing everyday right now.
You know, she's not pissed off at me anymore and at least that's an encouraging thought.
-¥in-
(I hate writing sometimes, you know)
You're Stewwwpid..
Ekspresi diri,
hati dan fikiran berbantah-bantah,
akal terlalu pantas berfikir,
tulisan dan kata-kata tak dapat mengejar,
tak dapat menyalur idea dan imaginasi...
Kita cuma si penakut,
yang tak berani memberi peluang,
pada diri sendiri,
tidak sedar,
akan peluang yang hilang sebegitu sahaja,
kerana kebodohan diri…
”Dah tua pun bodoh!”*
----------------------------------------------
*Quotation by Allahyarham Tan Sri P.Ramlee from Madu Tiga*
P.s- hearing love songs during electrical lecture and writing your
thoughts at the same time are not really helping.. (2000)
hati dan fikiran berbantah-bantah,
akal terlalu pantas berfikir,
tulisan dan kata-kata tak dapat mengejar,
tak dapat menyalur idea dan imaginasi...
Kita cuma si penakut,
yang tak berani memberi peluang,
pada diri sendiri,
tidak sedar,
akan peluang yang hilang sebegitu sahaja,
kerana kebodohan diri…
”Dah tua pun bodoh!”*
----------------------------------------------
*Quotation by Allahyarham Tan Sri P.Ramlee from Madu Tiga*
P.s- hearing love songs during electrical lecture and writing your
thoughts at the same time are not really helping.. (2000)
Car of the week
Been hit by a Toyota freakin' Prado, that is...I did not drive it though....alas, if it was me, the guy who did this will pray that he never did...
Mai Flen En Ai
“Abang tengah buat apa?”.......
“Er...Abang tengah dengar lagu,” kataku kepada adik kecil yang tiba-tiba menyapaku sedang aku asyik mengelamun tadi.
“Nak dengar ke?”, tambahku sambil menyuakan senyuman kepadanya.
“Nak!”, lompatnya dan terus sahaja dia duduk di sebelahku. Aku mengambil ‘earphone’ yang tersumbat di telinga kiriku, lalu ku letakkan lembut ke telinga adik kecil yang tersengih-sengih kepadaku itu. Girang sahaja lakunya bila dapat mendengar bunyi yang menggeletek gegendang telinganya itu, sambil dia tertawa-tawa kecil.
“Kuat sangat pulak bunyinya, Ada yang pekak anak orang ni karang”, bisik hatiku, lalu ku perlahankan sedikit paras bunyi ‘walkman’ yang ku pegang. Aku mengikut-mengikut henjutan badannya yang terikut-ikut rentak lagu yang kami dengar, sambil kami masing-masing tersenyum pada suasana aman yang kami nikmati.
Adik kecil yang tak takut dengan diriku. Selalunya budak-budak kecil sebaya dengan umurnya akan lari atau menangis bila sahaja akucuba menegur. Entahlah, mungkin susuk tubuhku yang terlalu besar menakutkan mereka.
Di tengah-tengah kesibukan kenduri kahwin di rumah saudaraku ini, aku dan sahabat kecil yang tak ku kenali ini hanya sekadar duduk di anak tangga rumah. Kami dan dunia kami. Aku dengan masalah-masalahku, angan-anganku yang tak kesampaian dan sahabat kecilku ini yang tak menilaiku dari rupa parasku, mahupun takut untuk menjadi sahabatku. Walaupun untuk seketika.....
-kenangan lama-
-¥in-
“Er...Abang tengah dengar lagu,” kataku kepada adik kecil yang tiba-tiba menyapaku sedang aku asyik mengelamun tadi.
“Nak dengar ke?”, tambahku sambil menyuakan senyuman kepadanya.
“Nak!”, lompatnya dan terus sahaja dia duduk di sebelahku. Aku mengambil ‘earphone’ yang tersumbat di telinga kiriku, lalu ku letakkan lembut ke telinga adik kecil yang tersengih-sengih kepadaku itu. Girang sahaja lakunya bila dapat mendengar bunyi yang menggeletek gegendang telinganya itu, sambil dia tertawa-tawa kecil.
“Kuat sangat pulak bunyinya, Ada yang pekak anak orang ni karang”, bisik hatiku, lalu ku perlahankan sedikit paras bunyi ‘walkman’ yang ku pegang. Aku mengikut-mengikut henjutan badannya yang terikut-ikut rentak lagu yang kami dengar, sambil kami masing-masing tersenyum pada suasana aman yang kami nikmati.
Adik kecil yang tak takut dengan diriku. Selalunya budak-budak kecil sebaya dengan umurnya akan lari atau menangis bila sahaja akucuba menegur. Entahlah, mungkin susuk tubuhku yang terlalu besar menakutkan mereka.
Di tengah-tengah kesibukan kenduri kahwin di rumah saudaraku ini, aku dan sahabat kecil yang tak ku kenali ini hanya sekadar duduk di anak tangga rumah. Kami dan dunia kami. Aku dengan masalah-masalahku, angan-anganku yang tak kesampaian dan sahabat kecilku ini yang tak menilaiku dari rupa parasku, mahupun takut untuk menjadi sahabatku. Walaupun untuk seketika.....
-kenangan lama-
-¥in-
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