Smoking and depression

People who knew me would say that I'm like a chimney. There would always be smoke coming out of my mouth. Nowadays, my smoking habit has been just as it was when I started smoking 11 years ago. About 1 1/2 pack a day? So roughly about 4 cartons of cigarette? Yeah, you do the maths, I just can't be bothered.

And my habit gets worse when I sit down with friends, talking about serious stuffs. It's one cigarette after another. Sitting in front of the computer's monitor for hours doesn't help either.

As I'm getting older, the more I keep damaging myself. People say that when you hit rock bottom, the only way left is going up again. Well, life is not all sugar and cream, honey. There's no other way to sugarcoat it.

When I was a kid, my mum would always told me to work and study harder. She would always said that good education will get me to the top and by then, I could buy all those stuffs that I'd wanted as a kid back then. It's like that quotation from the ASN advertisement back in the 80's when the father would pat his kid in the back and said "Nak, belajarlah rajin-rajin. Ayah akan melabur dan terus melabur untuk masa depan kita".....(que the music, panning to the ASN logo).

I hated that advert. What a load of Haufen Scheiße (pronounced haufen shaize, if you don't know your deutsch)(cakap Jerman daaa. Ni jerman betul tau, bukan cakap jawa).

But I guess the hardest thing for me to do is trying to get along with my life with a smile on my face. It's hard to go on when you don't have a heart to do so. That's why sometimes I get it when people commit suicides. The harder I think about it, the much more sense it becomes. So smoke away, Yin. Don't think too much.

There's a quotation from a movie I watched a few months ago. The character, an old man said in that movie "I am tired of being thankful for scraps". It's just a simple sentence yet it is really deep. For us muslims, it's about being thankful to God or syukur. That sentence gives a glimpse of how I feel and my constant argument in my soul about my syukur to God. It's not that simple, is it? It just can't be simple, can it?