Photography

I'm not an artist. Well, I don't think that I have the talent to be one. But I do like to express myself, my heart-being to the world. I just don't really know what's the best medium to do so. I attemped writing first. Not so good, I would say since my language is so messed up between Malay and English. My english is not half-bad but I learn my english from tv shows and movies that I watched. So my vocabulary is quite limited to only what I've heard. ( I don't read, I'm much too lazy for that).

I learned guitar-playing since I was 16. On and off playing for a couple of years and I can only produce my own tunes for the last 2 years or so. Out of 12-14 tunes that I made, only 2 or 3 that I can say, relate closely to my heart.

And now, photography. I only learned photography since last year, more or less. On and off learning from borrowed cameras. I know how to use photoshop, doing basic editing and retouching since my university years but more to just for the sake of knowing how to use the basic stuffs inside the software. My only camera before this was a compact film, RM100 cheap Kodak kamera. You know, the one where you have to use thumb to turn the film inside. Very noisy and a bit embarassing at times since all of my mates use digital and I'm still on film.

My sisters supported me when I asked them to borrow some money so that I could buy a relatively expensive DSLR camera. I borrowed RM5k each plus my own money and I don't know when will I be able to repay them back. Some guys are quite embittered and on some level, despised my coming as a photographer. I mean, I haven't got a photography job yet and people are saying bad stuffs about me already.

I don't feel bad about it though. I'm not that bothered about it at all. I was bred from a boarding school system, so loyalty to your friends comes first. Backstabbers are usually will be dealt harshly. Your family will always be your family but your friends are family too. So, in my book, I don't betray my friends unless they betray me first. Now that, really bothers me. Just don't jerk me off, that's all I'm asking.

I'm still searching that part in photography on how to express myself. I like it when there's emotion in that picture, there's a story to be told in it. That's difficult. Technique-wise, I'm ok I guess. My learning curve is going just about in my expectation. My limiting factor is that I'm a bit shy when taking pictures. Not much experience when interacting with people whilst taking my pictures. And I'm not that much comfortable taking snapshots of outsiders; let's say, a girl having a drink on the side walk and I wanted to take her picture drinking that beverage. I'm a bit shy to do that. But I really wanted to take more of those kind of pictures.

"I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious"

I like this quote. It describes me as a whole in just two sentences.

yin

Blast from the past : part deux

Bila hari-hari berlalu lemah,
Hati kian dicengkam perasaan sedih,
Luka lama takkan sembuh,
Dihiasi luka-luka segar,
Ah, itulah kehidupan!
Kata mereka gembira.

Mulut ingin berbicara,
Hati ingin diluah,
Atur cara ingin menunjuk,
Atau hanya sekadar mampu menunduk?
Ah, itulah kehidupan!
Gah riak mereka.

Marah tak bererti tak merindu,
Sepi tak bererti diri membenci,
Sikap manusia, siapakan mengerti?
Apakah salah sekadar ingin mencuba?
Berani dicuba, beranilah ditanggung,
Ah, itulah kehidupanmu!
Ejek sorak mereka.

Jauhnya di mata,
Dekatnya sekadar di hati sendiri....


-¥in-
9.17 p.m.
3/8/00

I was more poetic in those days than right now, I guess. Don't think that I still have the same inspiration and creativity to do so. Everything changes after 9 years. In those days, what I wrote was what I had to say from my heart. I guess nobody really understood the messages I tried to tell them. And the person I wanted to tell this to never really cared. It sucked. And I guess I lost my heart during all those years. My wife never understood what I meant when I told her that I don't have a heart anymore. Maybe no one ever will.

Man, I missed those times smoking joints and doze off to a really deep sleep. A really nice, comfortable, off-mind sleep without a care for the world...

Blast from the past

Doa Kudus Untuk Tuhan

Setiap hari,
Aku merenung kembali,
Muhasabah diri,
Apakah diri ini,
Diri yang lebih baik,
Daripada diriku pada hari semalam?
Atau mungkin,
Diri ini menjadi lebih teruk,
Lebih hina,
Lebih jijik,
Daripada hari semalam?

Hari demi hari,
Aku merasakan diri ini,
Semakin jauh,
Semakin sesat,
Dari jalan yang benar,
Dari jalan yang Kau redhai.

TUHAN,
Bantulah aku,
Jangan Kau sisihkan diri ini.


-¥in-
1995

I wrote this in 1995, if not mistaken. Probably if I'm wrong, I'm not that far off. A year too early or a year too late, can't really remember. I used to have a book that I always carry with me back then. Whenever I had something meaningful that I thought would be truthful and can give wisdom to others, I would wrote it down then. I kept a book for every year and by the end of the year, I would give it to a friend who I took as if he's my own flesh & blood brother.

I know some people don't care about this kind of crap. But I treasure these kind of craps. It's my way of teaching myself to be more mature and thoughtful. Sometimes I wished that I could have a conversation with a person who has these kind of wisdom thoughts that actually mattered. A person who talks with facts, clear and concise. Not some half-assed baffoon who gave wisdom words that is empty and then being such an ass-kissing, egoistitical old fart.

I have 2 sons and a daughter by now. All very young, baby-like and naive. I don't know if I could ever be a good father because I never have a good father-figure as my guide. I wanted to teach them and tell them all the wisdoms that I have accumulated all these years but I don't know how.

I'm sad sometimes to see some friends who are quite old enough that by that age, they should've had enough wisdoms and experience to act their age and give proper advices and guidance to their kids or to their fellow younger friends. But they can't because they are such thick headed people that they can't even differentiate between a good friend and just a friend. They can't accept advices, critism but can only listen to praises and ass-kissing comments. Pathetic. It makes me sad and also embarressed at times because I was in some part associated with these kind of people.

A kid told me when I asked him, what he wanted to be when he grows up. He answered, "I wanted to be a good person". No more, no less. And I wished that kid to have a bright future and a good life because as an older person and also as a father, that is all you can wish for...

I am old, aren't I? Crud...

-yin-

Having my own opinion

Blogging is a great thing. I mean, pardon my arrogance a bit here, but I've started my own website ala blog during my A-Levels years. When was that? 98-99? Something like that. I can't even remember the website's address anymore because it was deleted by the server since I've stopped updating it for a year or so. Which is stupid because a lot of stufs I wrote then, I couldn't write them anymore these days. And stuffs that I wrote which I saved into my pc were lost when my pc brokedown in 2001, I think.

But this is a good place to practice your writing skills. Maybe expand your mind into thinking deeper thoughts. I stopped doing that because it depressed me. I thought I was being clever, being funny and all. Sure, you feel good about yourself, but then I started feeling bad about it. Am I doing this just to impress people, or what? And then I started having negative thoughts about everything that had happened in my life. The more I thought about everything, the more pissed I've becomed.

My life has been odd. Odd from the day I was born. I'm different from everyone, from own family. Being clever has not worked out for me too much. Having a great IQ doesn't bring me happiness. I tried stupifying myself, you know. Since from experience, as your cleverness goes up the graph, your happiness will go down to the drain.

And you know what, the most irritating thing to me is when there are people who try to be clever, try to look clever but saying craps taken from other people's quote (pretending it's your own quote). As if they are the all-knowing person in this world and then force other people to fathom their way of thinking. What a load of bullshit crap. I hate that type the most. Don't you have your own opinion? Are you stupid or something? And the worst part is that they are so full of themselves, they can't even take a single advice when the truth hurts them. Even if you wanted to look cool, act like one. Don't act badly. Your acting is so bad, people are just laughing at you in your back. What the fuck is that, huh? What the fuck?

Some people are briliant. Have a really deepful thinking into their lives in their own perspective. I can dig that. Experience does really teach you to live a more meaningful life. There's nothing wrong to have a thought of your own. Just be original, and don't expect or force people to have the same crap as yours. Or vice versa. That is so not cool.

I hate writing these days. I really do. I'm just pissed off, that's what.



Cool off...have a cigarette. Make yourself more stupid. At least it makes you calmer and happier whilst slowly killing yourself in the process.