Blast from the past

Doa Kudus Untuk Tuhan

Setiap hari,
Aku merenung kembali,
Muhasabah diri,
Apakah diri ini,
Diri yang lebih baik,
Daripada diriku pada hari semalam?
Atau mungkin,
Diri ini menjadi lebih teruk,
Lebih hina,
Lebih jijik,
Daripada hari semalam?

Hari demi hari,
Aku merasakan diri ini,
Semakin jauh,
Semakin sesat,
Dari jalan yang benar,
Dari jalan yang Kau redhai.

TUHAN,
Bantulah aku,
Jangan Kau sisihkan diri ini.


-¥in-
1995

I wrote this in 1995, if not mistaken. Probably if I'm wrong, I'm not that far off. A year too early or a year too late, can't really remember. I used to have a book that I always carry with me back then. Whenever I had something meaningful that I thought would be truthful and can give wisdom to others, I would wrote it down then. I kept a book for every year and by the end of the year, I would give it to a friend who I took as if he's my own flesh & blood brother.

I know some people don't care about this kind of crap. But I treasure these kind of craps. It's my way of teaching myself to be more mature and thoughtful. Sometimes I wished that I could have a conversation with a person who has these kind of wisdom thoughts that actually mattered. A person who talks with facts, clear and concise. Not some half-assed baffoon who gave wisdom words that is empty and then being such an ass-kissing, egoistitical old fart.

I have 2 sons and a daughter by now. All very young, baby-like and naive. I don't know if I could ever be a good father because I never have a good father-figure as my guide. I wanted to teach them and tell them all the wisdoms that I have accumulated all these years but I don't know how.

I'm sad sometimes to see some friends who are quite old enough that by that age, they should've had enough wisdoms and experience to act their age and give proper advices and guidance to their kids or to their fellow younger friends. But they can't because they are such thick headed people that they can't even differentiate between a good friend and just a friend. They can't accept advices, critism but can only listen to praises and ass-kissing comments. Pathetic. It makes me sad and also embarressed at times because I was in some part associated with these kind of people.

A kid told me when I asked him, what he wanted to be when he grows up. He answered, "I wanted to be a good person". No more, no less. And I wished that kid to have a bright future and a good life because as an older person and also as a father, that is all you can wish for...

I am old, aren't I? Crud...

-yin-